Sex

[winwoodgirl (deleted)]

How do you feel about celibacy?

[divinorum]

winwoodgirl wrote: How do you feel about celibacy?



I feel like it matters what your intent is.

I was celibate for about two years, at the time I didn't have any intent when I started, I had been watching increasingly twisted ---- and having affairs with married women and I had this feeling of emptiness, I felt exhausted and I needed to take a break. I'd been using ------ as a form of escapism and it wasn't long after I removed that crutch that I started feeling intense pain and going into deep depressions and all kinds of emotional upheaval that didn't seem to be connected to anything that was going on in my life at the present. Eventually I discovered that what I felt right before my desire pounded on its cage the hardest was insecurity and loneliness. I came to the conclusion that if I felt loved then I wouldn't feel insecure or lonely and therefore I wouldn't feel empty when I had sex, so I would remain celibate until I found my soul mate. I felt a tremendous sense of peace in that for a while, I finally knew what I was doing, I was waiting for my soul mate and one day when the time was right she would pop into my life and everything would be perfect. Time passed and I started to get very impatient "why doesn't anyone love me?" I would think to myself, and again I started going into depressions and brooding and dripping tears everywhere I went. And one day I woke up and went in the living room, went to the kitchen and not one of my friends or family said good morning to me, no hello, no "hey, how did you sleep?", nothing, so I went for a walk around the neighborhood came home and went back to bed and didn't get up for 3 days. When I was laying in bed I remembered that not 1 month ago, I had been giving someone else the advice that I should have been taking at that very moment... You will get out of anything, exactly what you put into it. I decided that in the morning I would get up take a shower and give everyone a big hug and I would say "good morning, you are beautiful, and I love you" with a big smile. The day came and I didn't do what I had planned, the energy was much the same as the other morning (clearly a test of my courage) no one looked at me, I didn't see an in, and I felt awkward. I went for a long, long walk however this time instead of going into a depression I kept loving thoughts in my mind, and I went to breakfast and before I ate I said a prayer to my higher mind that I would have the courage to express myself and I prayed for healing and I prayed that I would grow and be fulfilled. Later that day I was at a library waiting for a computer to be available and I was wandering the isles and I saw a book called "Love Is Letting Go of Fear" I suspiciously picked it off the shelf and began reading... It was exactly what I needed, it was about just what I had been working on, and there were words to describe the feelings that I had and advice to help me work through my fear. My prayer for healing had sent me directly to a healer that provided exactly the kind of healing that I needed.

To this day I give everything that I can, and where I once thought that if I gave love, then I would receive love, and then I would be fulfilled, cut a step out of that logic, I'm totally fulfilled just to give love. When I do receive love I can bask in the light of it with pure joy, because I'm already fulfilled and I'm not afraid of when it will end. I still look for my soul mate but not because I want to receive their love, because I need someone to give my love to all the time. Sometimes I look out into the horizon and I feel this warm glow in my breast and I think that there may not be enough people in the entire world to accept all the love that I have to give...

If you haven't guessed already, I'm a Pisces ... I have a Virgo moon and a Scorpio Ascendant. The first thing I read about Scorpio was the keyword "I Desire" and then all these things about intensity and extremes of emotion and passion. I think that the lesson of Scorpio is to take that desire and transmute it into willpower; and I feel like that was the beginning of my healing process.

So to answer your question in a more direct way, I feel like celibacy is very uncomfortable, and that choosing to be uncomfortable rather than taking the easy route will help you grow. However you can't repress your desires forever and if you've used --- as a form of escapism and then you remove that distraction you will be confronted with all the problems that you've been trying to hide from, and if you don't do the inner work and you just ignore them or find another escape, your just wasting your time. Also I can't say what happens in a catholic priests head when they've been celibate their entire lives and then all the sudden decide to a child, but I can say that ------ guilt is a ----ed up daemon to coddle and that it's better to express ------ desire in an unhealthy way than to repress it in an unhealthy way.